


Silence or Screams

by MindNoise



Series: Underground [3]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-03-23
Packaged: 2018-03-19 06:46:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3600252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MindNoise/pseuds/MindNoise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tommy calls Adam. Adam comes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Silence or Screams

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Tommy's tweets. Yes, there is a light at the end of the tunnel!
> 
> P.S. this is all fiction

He’s never felt so empty in his life. He’s waded through the last two months in a daze, drunk on sorrow that he hides. Every day he’s felt as though he’s treading an ocean alone. So big, so empty, and he drowns every day. There’s nowhere to go. No one to turn to. His friends are worried, he knows that. His girlfriend is tired of his “moodiness” and feels he should “just get over it.” He doesn’t how to make her understand he’s trying to get over it but he can’t seem to make it. Apparently, he has nothing to be depressed over and he should snap out of it. He really doesn’t like her all that much anymore. But he’s too damn tired to open his mouth and break it off. So he sits and he drinks and he sinks deeper, knowing what’s missing. Tommy’s watched through social media as Adam’s life went on, as expected, like the star he is. And Tommy’s proud. And it hurts so much. He’s tried to move on, act like Adam was a passing fancy, just part of his career. What career? He hardly leaves the house anymore except to buy booze and tacos.

He tosses his keys on the table and sits down. He rips open the small, white paper bag and pulls out the prescription bottle. He’s a well-known insomniac so his doctor didn’t bat an eye at writing a prescription for sleeping pills. 90 of them. He sets the bottle on the table and stares at it. Two months since the night at the studio. Two months of separation from Adam, a separation that he’s not allowed to fix since he walked away. Two months of Twitter hostility from those who hate him, crowing that Adam kicked him to the curb and good riddance, he had no talent anyway. Two months of constant hurt that shook him to the core at night, tears blinding him, and no one there. How much more is he expected to take?

He stares at the prescription, almost scared of it. He wonders if it’ll be enough if he drinks enough booze with them. His phone beeps and he looks at the text and ignores it. There’s only one person he wants to speak to. Just one, one last time. He dials.

“Hey,” Adam answers tentatively. “What’s up?”

Tommy smiles sadly. “You sound good.”

“Oh, thanks,” Adam replies. He sounds as unsure as Tommy feels. “How are you?”

“Adam,” he starts. “I want you to know that I love you. I always have. I’m sorry I was too scared. Really sorry.”

“Okay....” Adam’s tone is confused. He barks a short laugh. “This sounds like a break up call.”

It kind of is, isn’t it?

Tommy clears his throat. “Yeah. Anyway, I just want to thank you for all you did for me, and apologize for any trouble I’ve caused you. I never meant to.”

“What is this, Tommy?” Alarm is creeping into his voice. “I’ve seen your tweets lately. What are you doing?”

Tommy smiles again. “It’s okay, Adam. It’ll be okay. I love you, remember that.”

“Tommy,” Adam starts, but Tommy hangs up.

 

The beating on his front door is persistent and getting louder. Tommy sits in his dark living room, sunglasses on, half empty bottle of Jack next to him, the prescription bottle lying on the floor. The knocks continue, Adam shouts his name, and Tommy is too numb to get up. There’s no point in getting up, or even moving. Adam finally remembers he has a key and within seconds he’s standing over Tommy.

“Why are you in the dark?” he asks.

Tommy shrugs, but Adam can’t see it. Adam moves away and the room fills with light. He stands back over Tommy, surveying. He zooms in on the prescription bottle on the floor and picks it up.

“Fuck, Tommy,” he breathes. “It’s fucking empty. How many did you take?”

Tommy shakes his head.

Adam reads the label. “Fuck fuck fuck, Tommy, did you take all of these? 90 pills?”

Tommy shakes his head again.

Adam kneels down and jerks the sunglasses off, tilting Tommy’s head up, looking into his eyes.

“I’m calling an ambulance,” he announces.

“I didn’t take them,” Tommy admits. “I didn’t...”

Adam looks wary. He doesn’t believe Tommy.

“I didn’t,” Tommy insists. “I was going to, but... I just....”

God he can’t even do this right. Tears fill his eyes. He can’t even do this and now Adam’s worried and going to hate him even more.

“Tommy,” Adam says carefully, sitting down in front of him. He cups Tommy’s face. “Tommy, look at me.”

“I’m sorry,” Tommy tells him.

“Nothing to be sorry about,” Adam assures him, wiping his tears as they slide over his cheeks. “You haven’t done anything wrong. But we can’t ignore this anymore. Okay? We’re going to get you help. This can’t go on.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Tommy says. “None of this matters. We’re not even friends anymore. I can’t do this anymore.”

“Do what?” Adam asks. “Talk to me. What can’t you do?”

“Any of this,” he explains. “Bands, playing, relationships, life. It’s all empty and pointless.”

“When did it start to feel that way?” Adam asks.

Tommy sighs heavily. “It’s that way, does it matter when?”

“Tommy, I need you to talk to me,” Adam says, picking up the pill bottle again. “Did you take these pills?”

“What?” Tommy snaps, suddenly pissed that Adam would think he’s lying. “I said no, didn’t I? I flushed the stupid things. I’m not a liar!”

“I’m not trying to upset you,” Adam says calmly. His calmness is pissing Tommy off even more. “I just want to make sure you’re not in any danger.”

“Oh fuck you,” Tommy snarls. “You don’t give a shit if I even exist. You walk away from people who can’t do anything else for you, just cut them off. So don’t act like you care. You care about you, that’s it.”

“Tommy Joe Ratliff, don’t you ever say I don’t care if you exist,” Adam replies angrily. “Don’t you ever say that again.”

Tommy looks down at his lap.

“It’s true,” he mumbles.

“Would I be here if that were true?” Adam snaps. “Would I fucking be here?”

Tommy huffs loudly.

“If I recall, you walked away,” Adam points out. “You left that night, not me.”

“You let me,” Tommy shouts. “Why did you let me?”

“Isn’t that what you wanted?” Adam asks.

Tommy shakes his head almost violently.

“I never wanted that,” he says, almost whining. “You left a long time ago. I just ended the charade.”

Adam sighs. “Maybe you’re right. We’ve been off track for a long time. I thought we were going to work it out, but that fell apart.”

Silence falls between them. Tommy starts to fidget. He’s suddenly horribly embarrassed. He almost wishes he had taken the pills. He’s wasting everyone’s time again.

“So I’m not gonna kill myself,” Tommy states in a short tone. “You can go back to your perfect life.”

“Oh my god,” Adam mutters. “My life is not perfect. No one’s is.”

“Just go,” Tommy snaps, pushing at Adam. “Just go now. I shouldn’t have called you.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Adam replies. “And yes, you should have called me. You did call me, I’m here, and I’m glad I’m here, and we’re going to work this out somehow.”

“I just...” he starts, the sorrow inside him welling up again and cutting him off. Adam prods him to continue. “I miss the connection we had. I miss the fun we had. I miss everything we shared.”

“I do, too,” Adam says. “We can’t go backwards, though.”

Tommy rubs his face hard with his hands. Why does Adam keep saying that? We can’t go backwards, he fucking knows that. Why does Adam keep pointing that out?

“I know that, but,” he starts. He doesn’t know how to put it into words. What he feels and wants is so chaotic in his own mind, he can’t possibly explain it to someone else.

“I hate a lot of the choices I made,” Tommy admits, looking away. “They turned out all wrong. Now my career is gone, my energy is gone, you’re gone.”

Adam doesn’t reply. They sit in silence for a while, and Tommy is suddenly scared that Adam will leave. He’s in no danger, the panic is over, there’s no reason for Adam to stick around. He can’t bear Adam walking away yet again.

“Ask me again,” Tommy whispers, his voice shaking. “Ask me what I want from you.”

Adam doesn’t respond until Tommy looks up and meets his eyes. His heart flutters because he sees the Adam he’s always known. The Adam that was caring, silly, funny, and so loving and open that it scared Tommy.

“What do you want from me, Tommy?” he asks.

“I want you to take my breath away,” Tommy replies.

Adam looks surprised.

“You say we can’t move backwards, only forward,” Tommy continues, almost breathless. “Maybe we went about it wrong.”

“What do you mean?” Adam asks.

Tommy shrugs. “Maybe we’re meant to be.... more?”

Their relationship has definitely changed and there’s a reason they can no longer maintain a friendship. Maybe they’re meant to become more than just friends. He can see Adam working through what Tommy’s suggesting. Adam is sorting out what Tommy’s thinking without Tommy having to elaborate, just like he used to. Maybe that connection between them isn’t lost after all, but just buried.

“Take my breath away,” Tommy says again, his voice steadier. His gaze doesn’t waiver from Adam’s. This is their last chance.

After pausing for what seems like an eternity, Adam takes Tommy’s face in his hands again. Tommy’s heart pounds so hard his throat quivers with each beat. Adam presses his lips to Tommy’s. It’s not a stage antic. It’s not a drunken reaction. It’s not a joke. This moment is theirs. Broken pieces start to move back together, and Tommy feels such relief and hope all in one second he nearly weeps and laughs at the same time. Adam breaks the kiss, staring at Tommy in a new light. His eyes are nearly glowing and it fills Tommy with joy.

“I can do that,” Adam replies. “Is that what you want?”

Tommy nods, clutching Adam’s arms.

“Are you still scared?” Adam asks.

“Yes,” he admits. “But not as scared as going on without you.”

“I promise not to leave your side,” Adam tells him.

Tommy’s smile is so genuine it hurts his cheeks. He hasn’t smiled like this in months. He knows Adam can’t fix his depression, and Adam won’t even pretend that he can, but he will guide Tommy forward to someone who can help his emotions and thoughts get back on even keel. And Tommy can take those steps, make that journey as long as Adam is next to him. And Adam has promised. That’s all Tommy needs to hold on. Adam returns his smile. The tension between them finally relaxes. Adam pulls Tommy close, holding him as though he were precious and fragile. And maybe he is. But that’s okay.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not suggesting that any of this happened or will happen. Just me dealing with Tommy's tweets. I apologize and send you hugs if this struck nerves and upset anyone.


End file.
